


Inhuman

by haruhasu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, ModelingScout!Levi, Punk-to-Model!Eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:01:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haruhasu/pseuds/haruhasu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Levi tries to "make friends" with the photogenic, wayward college kid riding the same hour subway. Modeling-Scout!Levi and Punk-to-Model!Eren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Headshot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a car breaks down, a kid sneezes, and a wallet gets stolen.

**Wednesday**

**9:32 AM**

The sun was rising, the birds were singing, and Levi was seething.

The world hates him, he swears from his driver's seat.

Here he was, on his way to work in the middle of what seemed to be a neverending long-ass week, and his car just up and decided to break down in his goddamn driveway. He really should buy a new one, but damn if he wasn't painfully practical.

The engine had sputtered one gasping, dying breath, and wouldn't start no matter how he coaxed it.

And by coaxing, he meant glaring at the steering wheel that greatly offended him and repeatedly kicking the front wheel until he very damn well near injured himself.

"You..stupid...piece...of...shit...!"

That dent he left on the bumper was counterproductive but worth it, he'd say.

It just had to happen right on the day the branches were meeting at Recon Modeling Agency.

Recon was always in search for fresh blood. They were a top-notch modeling agency famous for their high-quality models, whether it be in TV, magazines, or billboards - Recon was featured everywhere. Their models vary from commercial and editorial, to avant-garde runway, and to whatever other fuck there is out there. Name it, and Recon's got it.

Whatever they currently don't, Levi-the senior scouting agent-would get. And as the best agent of Recon, he was tasked to scour hell and beyond to find the perfect face that will represent their new campaign: _Inhuman._

And he would have more than likely already done so had his car not thrown a fucking hissy fit.

Luckily for him, Erwin, his childhood friend and boss, understood his predicament. He was told not to bother going to work until his problem was taken care of.

Levi fondly thought of how considerate it was of him.

(Erwin proudly thought of how he just averted having a rampaging diva of a midget in his office.)

Levi had tried to fix his car himself, but he knew jack shit about engines.

So he called reinforcements.

Therein lies the issue of the mechanic he took his car to.

Or rather, the friend he rang to "drop whatever the fuck you're doing and come over."

She came bouncing on her heels.

"Ohoho, long time no see, Levi! I haven't seen you in forever! How ya doin'?" She moved in for a hug that Levi expertly deflected. Who knows where those hands have been.

"...Shitty glasses."

As he had aptly christened her, she was undeniably as shitty as his broken piece of vehicle.

And yet, perhaps, he'd acquiesce that she was one of the few he could actually trust said vehicle with.

Now, Hange wan't a professional mechanic. If anything, it was a ( _safe and non-harmful, thank god_ ) hobby of hers that she picked up quite well, unlike most of the ( _freaky, dangerous, not-entirely-legal_ ) shits she occupy her time with. She had always liked working with gears, and the whirrs and rumbles of engines delighted her.

Her day job, though, was as a psychologist, so any and all visits from Hange was to be regarded with caution. She liked working with people, freaks in one way or another, especially the really socially awkward ones-which so uncoincidentally were her group of friends since college.

She would call Levi an introvertedly anti-social workaholic.

He would call her an impending danger to his mental health.

He really did not want to catch her lunacy, but Hange had wormed her way into his life and home so much that he had begun to feel dependant on her. Only a handful few had tried to get to know Levi from the outside-in. Of those, most were disappointed by what they found. Hange, evidently, was not one among the rest.

Thus was why she's his best friend, even if he'd rather eat shit than admit it.

"Now let me see how you've harassed this beauty!"

Figured she'd find his cheap shit pretty.

Without further encouragement, she pounced on his admittedly beat-up car like the deranged woman she was known to be. She circled the exterior once before propping the hood up and doing a quick observation. With her hair in a messy updo, her shirt was soon stained with black oil as she used it like a damn rag after poking around the engine. She reached up to rub her nose and accidentally smeared some grease unto her face. She didn't even notice.

But Levi did.

He most certainly did with a cringe.

Had Levi not known her his entire adult life, he already would've hauled ass out of there with how filthy she was.

But alas, they had known each other since their roomie days.

So he simply settled for glaring at her appearance and vowed not to even touch her with a ten-foot-pole.

There was a perfectly good, _clean_ reason why he tries to avoid running into Hange, and with possible social experiments and embarrassments excluded, this was why.

She adjusted her ridiculously huge goggles over her face and bent over to peer again into the hood of his car, this time armed with various tools, head nearly disappearing inside the automobile while humming and tinkering within.

 _"This_ is fine... _Th_ _is_ one's okay too! Everything seems to be in perfect order, except that dent on the bumper... Funny, that wasn't there last time either. Hmm... Hmmmm! Well I wonder if... -OH...!"

"Oh?" Levi repeated, without a hint of worry. No worries at all. He has nothing to worry about, right? I mean, not like his only preferred method of transportation in the world was compromised enough to warrant him riding something, like, say, a _filthy, unsanitary_ bus for an undefined period of time.

Right?

"Oh," she parroted as she resurfaced. "You see, I seem to have found the source of your problem..." Trailing off, she disappeared into the kitchen connected to the garage door. Levi followed her and her disjointed thought process to make sure she doesn't upset his home. She rummaged around his refrigerator like an ill-mannered savage, stopped only in its tracks when he growled to "wash your hands first." No need though, she was already well-acquainted with him and his habits. She even knew exactly where he put last night's homecooked leftovers and had it popped in the microwave in seven seconds flat.

Such was the advantages that came out of living in the same room for four years.

They shuffled back to his garage with her bowl.

"As I was saying, Levi, so you see...- Mmm! You really do make the best dishes! I don't even know what this is, but it must be the French blood in you! Correlation between heritage and culinary skills, should probably write that down. Invite me for dinner sometime! Anyways, back to the topic, you really need to treat your car better! Do you have any idea what I found?" She waved to different parts of the engine, her fork, licked clean, used as a make-shift pointer stick. "It's... It's pretty grave, I'll tell ya."

Levi won't admit he had a slight half-second internal panic attack.

She shoveled yesterday's casserole into her barbaric mouth and there went thirty long minutes of Levi's life he's never gonna get back in a complicated explanation containing mechanical engine jargon in which he really did not care for (nor could follow-in his unclaimed embarrassment). "Buuuuut, since I'm such a good friend, I can have your car fixed in about a week or so. You know, have my magic work on it."

Somehow, there was something very ominous about that phrase...

But then again. A mechanic would cost him more than he'd like. Decisions, decisions.

Such was the life of a cheap bachelor.

Knowing him well enough to see his mental battle indicated by his eye twitches, Hange slipped behind him, her breath coming out in warm puffs against his ear, and in an enticingly seductive voice, she moaned-whispered, " _...for free_."

Well then, that solves it.

Mind made up, Levi walked out of his own garage and hopped into Hange's own car out front in the driver seat. She automatically followed and climbed in shotgun.

"Keys," he demanded.

"See, now, I don't get why you wouldn't let me drive," she complained while handing him her keys. "I mean, yeah we crashed into that semi one time... and then there was that time with the wilderness... and the cat incident... but other than those three, lemme tell ya Levi, I'm a great driver!"

"I know your shit, Hange. You're not driving while I'm in this car. If I could have it my way, you won't be driving ever." The smooth rev of the engine was a comfort for Levi who, at least for the moment, has evaded the public bus. Small mercies.

"You're lucky I'm such as good friend, letting you manhandle my car like this."

Levi rolled his eyes, Hange's grumbling was flippantly ignored.

"Aaaand you know, I did get that license for a reason. Don't you have any faith in the institute of our traffic regulations?" Turn right here and keep straight until the third intersection.

"You probably fucked your driver's ed instructor," he bantered. Now another right.

"Levi!" Hange sounded scandalized, but Levi's got eyes on the road so he couldn't give a damn - not that he even wants to in the first place. Almost there.

"I am not that easy! I've gotta be wined and dined first at the minimum," she huffed.

"...And I'll have you know, a simple blowjob did the trick."

Tires screeched on the asphalt as Hange cackled like a maniac and Levi frantically tried to swerve the sedan away from running over a crossing granny.

It took Levi five minutes to assure and apologize to the screaming elderly woman that no, he was not trying to kill her whilst Hange shout-whispered "blowjob!" repeatedly from the passenger seat.

_Godammit, Hange._

* * *

**6:34 PM**

Levi let out a jaw-cracking yawn befitting of today's grand waste of time.

Without the main model for _Inhuman_ , Levi's unit - referred to as the Special Operations Squad of Recon - couldn't really function. Management wanted them to present a duo, one male and one female. Thus far, they've only gotten a hold of half of the new face of _Inhuman_ : Annie Leonhart - a literal hold that nearly cost Gunter his right arm.

According to Petra, Gunter had spotted Annie on her morning jog back to ther apartment. It was in broad daylight so Gunter didn't think twice about calling out to her, but she had earbuds and her mp3 on full blast. Feeling as if he shouldn't let this chance slip away, he pursued Annie in a run that made the shorter woman jog all the more. With Gunter's longer legs, he caught up to Annie, but when he opened his mouth to tell her he didn't mean any harm, _just as murderers do in slasher movies_ , he promptly found himself flipped with his front to the pavement, his arm twisted behind him, and a knee digging in his back.

Beautiful and dangerous.

Perfect for _Inhuman_.

Levi approved of her, though she was skeptical of the whole thing - weren't models supposed to be taller than 5 feet? Yes, usually. But then again, Recon doesn't function like the other agencies.

That had been three weeks ago.

The search for her male counterpart, however, presented itself with annoying difficulty.

"Captain Levi," Petra knocked on his office door, the title being a running gag in his office. "Your 6:30 is here. Please try not to terrorize this one," she giggled.

Levi rolled his eyes and dismissed her with a nod. "Let him in," he said, but he wasn't so sure about finding his muse anymore.

Waves of applicants had presented their resumes, but Levi had been unimpressed. They were your typical male models. Conveniently good-looking, yes, but Levi couldn't help feel as if they were missing something. He knew it in his guts. It bothered him enough that he sent everyone he had interviewed home without another thought.

A man entered with a wave.

Looks early twenties, although paper says he's already 26. Height's around 6'2. Blond, brown-eyed. Well-defined jaws. Sun-kissed skin, so a tanner then. Approvable physique. Nothing else of significance.

"Hello," he regarded the resume with a glance. "...Thomas Wagner. Call me Levi. Tell me more about yourself."

Wagner nodded timidly and began.

_Bullshit protocol._

In the first few seconds that Levi mechanically scanned him over, his grey eyes already knew this guy wasn't the one-just like the guy before him wasn't either.

It wasn't that they weren't good enough. They were.

He knew their rival agency, Sina Brigade, would be glad to have them.

Unfortunately, at the end of the day, they just weren't up to Levi's unjustifiably high standards.

Levi deemed two minutes enough and cut in.

"...That's very interesting, Mr. Wagner." Liar. He didn't listen at all. "We may contact you in the near future. Please see Petra out front for more information."

With a handshake, Wagner was out of his office and Levi sat back down to rub at the bridge of his nose.

How generic and simple.

Levi doesn't want generic and simple.

Annie was all pale skin, blonde hair, and had the harsh Russian winters in her eyes. Her prospective partner's got to balance with what she brings to the table. Someone with enough _fire_ to accomodate her _ice_.

"Captain Levi? Your 7:00 is here."

"Thank you, Petra. Please send him in."

Levi's got to thinking about what type of fire can possibly withstand the frozen tundra.

* * *

**9:37 PM**

Work had distracted him enough to forget about his unavailable car, and of all times, Hange wouldn't pick up her phone. He had told his team to go home hours before and he was now the only one left in the building.

Levi was shit out of luck.

He had no choice but to use public transportation, stash a can of Lysol in his briefcase, and desperately hope for the best.

A taxi was out of the question. He splurges on cleaning products, not overpriced fares. Besides, he doesn't trust the sanitation of those seats.

But he didn't wind up riding a filthy, unsanitary bus like he had feared.

It was worse.

It was the fucking subway.

An overcrowded, smelly, filthy train car filled with even filthier people he has no desire to be in the immediate vicinity of.

Apparently, the bus network doesn't function past nine in Karanese District, an information he need not bother knowing with the safety of his own car in mind.

Levi tightened his grip on the pole next to the doors (not that he has any other choice since he can't reach the overhead railings, fuck it all). The only barrier between his skin and this germ infested metal handle was his handkerchief.

He happened to have a moderate attachment to his handkerchief.

He frowned even more.

Pity that now he'll have to burn it. Who knew what disgusting diseases unwashed hands have left on this thing?

He shifted his weight from one hip to another, careful not to initiate any type of contact, however brief it may be, with anyone adjacent.

He doesn't even want to touch people, so like hell he'd even think about sitting his Armani-clad ass on any of these questionable seats.

Besides, it was a difficult task to maintain an intimidating composure when his legs wouldn't even touch the fucking floor.

He'd rather stand, thank you very much.

People with their dubious hygiene make him squeamish.

So of course it was right in that moment that a young child to his immediate left let out a loud, uncovered sneeze.

_"Ha-heichou!"_

Levi swore he saw snot and debris fly out of that shithead's orifices in graphically disturbing slow motion.

His only saving grace was that he was not standing in the line of germ-y fire.

It took a considerable amount of self-control to not pull out his ever handy travel-sized Lysol and start spritzing it on everywhere.

Forget about breathing. In fact, Levi would rather inhale and burn his lungs breathing in disinfectant spray than that shit. NO.

_"Arriving at Stohess Station."_

Leaving the handkerchief behind, (you've served your purpose well, cloth) Levi gathered his briefcase in one hand and his dignity in another whilst trying not to sprint out of the nasty subway. His cursed, short legs could not have moved any faster than a man running to the nearest restroom to take a massive, uncontrollable shit.

"Sorry 'bout that."

Somewhere to his right, a stray limb accidentally elbowed him on his way out, enough to make him turn his head and meet green-blue eyes.

In Levi's haste, he only looked enough for a quick scan. It was a lanky, yet well-built _boy_ with a disheveled mop of brown hair. The boy's (green? blue? Levi can't decide) eyes were almost obscured by his wild chin-length locks, and an ear glinted in the harsh flourescent lighting with its multiple piercings.

Huh. Not bad.

Must be late teens, early twenties. Height's around 5'8 to 6'1 (a quick glance at his army boots confirmed it to 5'8). Well-balanced facial features with _really_ nice eyes - though he could lessen the frowning. Tanned but not overly so. Broad shoulders, but not too broad - has less muscles than he'd go for actually, but he can make it work. Develop a fitness routine to shape him up, perhaps? There was something wonderful to be said about molding a diamond out of the rough. And did he mention those killer eyes? Those glaring orbs alone already screamed _Inhuman_! So much anger...

So much... _fire._

This kid already looked more promising compared to his applicants. Maybe he can work with this one... Maybe-

_"Heichou!"_

Fuck it.

Levi despondently turned around in self-preservation and continued on his way out, previous thought abandoned.

* * *

**10:53 PM**

Though maybe not as forgotten as he had thought as proven later when while taking his ritualistic hour-long shower, he thought about the teenager with the green eyes.

He found that he wasn't as bothered about the random collision as he should've been - although he hoped that that brat's elbow had better been fucking clean.

(Just to make sure, even though the contact wasn't with his bare skin, Levi scrubbed his midsection twice as vigorously as usual.)

His mind avoided the other disconcerting topic that he didn't get a name to match what he resolved was going to be the future face of Recon's _Inhuman_ if he had any say in it.

Levi had found his muse.

It was foolishly optimistic to assume that he'll come across that boy again, but Levi wasn't an optimist. He was a realist, and at worst, a pessimist. He will find the boy with the green eyes if it was the last thing he'll do.

Exiting the bathroom, he toweled himself dry and didn't bother putting any clothes on. He lived alone anyway. Not like there was anyone to see him waltzing around with his dick on show.

Before finally collapsing on his bed, Levi did a quick mental inventory of his items, ticking them off one by one before dozing off. He's got his briefcase, his phone, his wallet-

Levi's drooping lids went wide open.

Where the fuck was his wallet?

He scrambled to his discarded clothing, checked their pockets, and peered into his briefcase in hopes that he had placed it in there.

No such luck.

_"...a stray limb accidentally elbowed him on his way out..."_

Well fuck me sideways.

As a former delinquent himself, he should've seen this coming.

_That shitty brat._

Levi vowed to hunt his scrawny, thieving little ass down and kick the ever-loving shit out of him, pretty face or not.

* * *

**9:42 PM**

Eren Yeager sat down on the nearest vacant seat close to the doors. In his wandering hands was a thick, leather billfold. He located a business card and held it up high to the flourescent lights.

"Levi... Weird, no last name. Senior Scouting Agent... Reconnaissance Modeling Agency, huh?"

Eren chuckled with mirth, running the tip of a pink tongue against the sharp edge of his front teeth, his tounge piercing peeking out with a glint. Didn't he just hit the jackpot? No wonder this wallet was so fat!

Further snooping into the wallet produced a driver's license with a scowling face.

"Nice to meet ya too, Mr. Scout."

While he didn't plan to rob this Levi person, he was an oppurtunist. Levi just happened to be the one he bumped into, and his rent happened to have a due date tomorrow. The man had been in a rush, then out of nowhere, paused to stare deeply into the atmosphere. Oppurtunity presented on a platter, if you will.

Eren continued rummaging through the wallet. He needed to occupy himself in his long trip from Sina to Maria. He wasn't stupid enough to begin counting hundreds of dollars in public, but he'd always been a curious little fuck if he did say so himself. A receipt from a classy restaurant was the only thing he could find aside from the business card. Other than that, it was clean. If anything, Eren was more surprised at the fact that there was no condom in the wallet. Not that he wanted to know how much this guy was packing for his height, but who doesn't carry protection? Even Eren has one in his back pocket.

"You're just one odd duck, aren't ya."

* * *

"Levi, how's the search? Have you found anyone worth mentioning?"

He thought back to the boy with the unmitigated gall and inhuman eyes.

"Erwin, _you have no fucking idea_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First contribution to the SnK fandom. Yes-my Punk!Eren has his long Titan hair and multiple ear/tongue piercings. I took Levi's Scouting Legion skills and made them into Model Scouting skills.
> 
> More than likely contains a ton of grammar mistakes. That's what I get for having English as a second language...
> 
> Have thoughts, comments, concerns, worries? Send them as either reviews or PMs!
> 
> I'm also at tumblr under the same name, Haruhasu, so you can reach me there too!
> 
> EDIT: A couple of minor changes that no one will probably catch, but was bothering me... Oh, if anyone needs any pic of Eren with titan hair for ref as you imagine him, I recommend:  
> By cosumosu - (lower left corner) http://haruhasu.tumblr.com/image/63327312927  
> By thecharmm - http://haruhasu.tumblr.com/image/60731070233  
> And if it's not too much, please visit those artists' tumblrs (the names given are their respective usernames) and give them love! I'd include them in the work itself as hyperlinks, but I don't have the explicit permissions yet, so I thought of just sharing and directing attention to those wonderful artists here. Give them love!


	2. Mug Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Levi tries to "make friends" with the photogenic, wayward college kid riding the same hour subway. Modeling-Scout!Levi and Punk-to-Model!Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Lord, it was as if I dropped off the face of the earth... So sorry, my lovelies... I'm really glad you guys liked this, considering that Levi's experience was parallel to my wallet being stolen too. Hahahaahahano. School loves to bust my metaphorical balls. On the other hand, thank you for the warm reception of this brain child of mine~!

**Thursday**

**11:12 AM**

The day after Levi's fateful encounter with his muse-turned-thief, Levi came to work the next morning. Albeit late, nothing out of the ordinary. His slacks were pressed, his shirt was pristine and buttoned, and he commanded the work floor. Quite impressive for someone of his insufferable clean-freak anal personality who had to take public transportation _again_ , the staff thought.

In fact, the only thing out of the ordinary was the quick "I need to speak with you. I'll see you in five," that Levi relayed to Erwin mid-fast walk towards the men's restroom. To any and all passers-by, it sounded like the boss and the mini boss were going to, erm, _do the deed_ in the restroom. They all think it happens on a daily, raunchy basis anyway. There was a bogus, not-so secret betting pool dedicated to guessing "who topped this time." Erwin's proud to say that most place their bets on him.

"It's barely nine and they're already trying to get intimate...?" an aspiring intern whispered, scandalized, to the person who happend to be adjacent to her assigned cubicle.

Upon hearing that, Erwin almost broke his facade and guffawed. Levi was about to get intimate alright - by spending those five minutes taking what he deemed a necessary shower-spray with a can of Lysol post-subway ride. Erwin would know. The last time he and Levi rode a public transportation vehicle was in their college days, and Levi ended up doing the same thing. Levi wouldn't willingly enter the public restrooms unless a dire situation called for it.

Contrary to popular belief, Hange is actually quite very hardworking and dedicated to her career, thus she does not have the ample extra time to cater to Levi's transportations needs at his morning whining whims. This led the man to grudgingly brave the morning commuters of Sinna district to Karanese district.

Several minutes later, Levi had appeared in Erwin's large office, looking quite ruffled and disturbed.

"Whoever the custodian is, that fuckup needs to do a better job with the facilities. It's disgusting in there. It's as if he doesn't know what to do with a mop other than shove it up his ass and shit on the floor."

Erwin blinked once, sinking into his seat more comfortably. He had a feeling this could take a while.

"How... eloquently descriptive of you. Besides, you fired the custodian last week, remember? What was it, _'inadequate floor scrubbing'_?" Erwin shouldn't probably mention that right after that incident, Levi had demoted that certain duty to Auruo.

His subordinate and childhood friend snorted and sat at the guest chair opposite Erwin's big-ass desk, legs crossed.

"Save me your sarcasm at a later date, Smith. Right now, I need you to call in a favor from Dawk. See how familiar the Police are with punk-ass shitty brats."

"The Police?" Erwin frowned. "I thought _that_ was your last fiasco with them."

"Calm your balls." Levi ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to get his bangs out of his face. " _This_ has nothing to do with that. I wasn't the one doing shit this time."

" _'This time?'_ "

"Oi. I said put your sarcasm away, Smith."

Erwin smiled and raised an impressive eyebrow, prompting for more.

Levi turned his head a bit to inspect an uninteresting wall decoration to his right, if only to avoid eye contact, his hand in his hair again. "Some brat pulled a fast one on me last night. Fucker pickpocketed me at the subway. Took my wallet. By the time I noticed, I was home."

"So we're reporting a crime then." Erwin already had his phone out, searching through his contacts and dialing his old friend Dawk. "Hope you got a clear look at him."

Levi's lips quirked a bit at that. He got a clear look alright.

"Not quite. They just need to find him for me. Then, he's all mine. I could use this as leverage after all."

"Leverage for what exactly? What else could you want from this kid? You know you could have reported this last night too instead of running to me this morning."

Erwin located Dawk's contact and the phone began to ring, awaiting the other side to pick it up.

Levi rolled his eyes. "I didn't _run_ to you this morning. Don't flatter yourself. Besides, I don't need him jailed." He paused, standing up to swipe a finger at Erwin's desk to check if it's cleanliness was up to his standards. Finding nothing to complain about, he made eye contact with Erwin, satisfied. "And I'm sure you wouldn't want him to, either. You told me to go search. Guess what I found."

The gears in Erwin's head began turning. "For _Inhuman?_ You found somebody?"

Levi's steel-hued eyes glinted. "You have no fucking idea."

Erwin sat straigher. About damn time too! Erwin's been trying to stave off management for a month now. Finally, Levi liked someone! Erwin didn't care that he was almost buzzing in his seat, leading forward in anticipation.

"Levi. Who?"

His subordinate smirked with a hint of teeth as Dawk picked up from the other end with a _"Hello?"_

Levi glanced at the phone. "Well Commander, we're about to find out." 

* * *

**9:16 PM**

"Wait wait, hold up," Hange paused, a spoonful of ice-cream halfway into her mouth. She could hear plates clanging in Levi's end. "You mean to say that _you_ , Levi the Feared, the Invincible, the frikken' _Leviathan_ , was bested by some punk-ass kid last night?"

"You make it sound like pickpocketing is something I do for sport." Levi shifted his shoulder to press his phone against his ear more comfortably and continued to vigorously scrub his dishes sparkly clean. He _doesn't_ steal, okay. Or at least present Levi doesn't. Younger him, though, is fair game. "And stop calling me that. It never caught on then, and it won't catch on now."

"What, you don't like it? It's really cool, you know - ironic too! Get it, 'cuz like the Leviathan's this big-ass thing and you're this short-ass little thing..."

"The fuck, asswipe?" The question had to be asked not due to surprise, but simply to have something to reply back. Hange's cracked any and all short jokes already that Levi doesn't even bat an unamused eyelid anymore. Their conversations were almost scripted, really.

"Ohoh yeahhh. You're right. You had more fun beating up guys thrice your size."

_Damn straight._

"Which really begs the question... You gonna go find this kid?"

"I am a sensible adult with sensible responsibilities, and you are asking me if I want to spend the time and effort looking for a brat - the very same one that robbed me, mind you - that I've only seen once in my lifetime to what, beat him up?"

There was no pause.

"Well, duh, Levi. Why else would I ask?"

"...You are a dumbass."

"Hahaha, maybe. But that's wasn't a denial~" she sang.

In truth, Yes, Levi was looking for his newfound muse. Thief or not, he was the only one that Levi approved of in his month-long search for _Inhuman_. Once he finds him, all he really needs after was Erwin's official approval - nothing but a formality, really.

But like hell he was going to tell her that and prove her point.

Hange just guffawed in reply. "No really, though. Didn't you say he was pretty?"

"The fuck you mean by 'pretty?'"

"Oh come on, Levi! It's been some time since you got so worked up about someone!" Hange lowered her voice to a ridiculous, _inaccurate_ gruff tone. " 'Motherfuckin' sonuva whore trynna get the drop on _ME?_ M'a beat yo' ass up.' "

"Since you are obviously high as a kite, and I would like to take the time to remind you now that recreational weed is still illegal to smoke, no matter what bullshit excuse of an experiment you tell me you're using it for. "

"Ohoh shit," Hange le gasped in exaggerated epiphany, "don't tell me you found him so pretty his eyes distracted you!"

The sound of plates clanging on Levi's end stopped. Why the fuck does everyone think he stared at the punk? Even Erwin did a creepy eyebrow wagging thing after he described the boy to Dawk. Okay, he may have really maybe gave an unusual amount of physical information. But that wasn't because he _stared_.

It was just professional examining of a potential employee is all.

"Eh, eh?" she continued mockingly. "Did you find him so _purty_?"

Levi could feel an upcoming migraine.

"If I was there, I'd fuck your mouth up so hard you wouldn't be able to spout shit like that."

"Ahahah, too late! My mouth's already pre-occupied~" Hange moved the curve of the spoon back and forth against the flat of her tongue and pretended to gag. "Mmm, hah, nnghh," she fake-moaned.

"You...are on a whole new level of terrorism."

"I am on a whole new level of awesome, you mean!"

"No."

"Oh, please. You _love_ me."

"You _disgust_ me," he sighs. "I'm done."

Hange waited for the dial tone before letting out the silenced giggles she almost failed to hold into full-blown stomach laughters. She fell from her couch to the floor, narrowly missing her coffee table filled to the surface with scribbles - _in the name of science! -_ on her way to her plush carpet. She wiped a stray tear away from her eye.

"Oh, Levi, you make it so easy!" Hange reached across the sofa and grabbed a composition notebook on her coffee table bearing a simple title: Levi. She flipped to a clean page and wrote, " 'still socially inept. Social skills decrease after awkward and/or sexually suggestive topics.' " Hange tapped the pen to her chin.

"You need to lighten up, you grumpy little duck-butt." 

* * *

**_A week later_ **

**Wednesday**

**7:42 AM**

Erwin Smith walked along the halls of Recon in this calm morning. No one was supposed to be in this early, but Erwin felt the need to lock himself up in his office after these last couple of days.

Not that he was trying to avoid anyone, per se. He just has a lot of work, you see. Especially since a certain someone kept messing with this office.

Everyone won't be going in for another hour, so Erwin had the whole place to himself. He strolled along languidly and silently, with sure yet light steps.

Not that he was trying to be inconspicous for any specific reason.

In this particular morning, Erwin took the time to take in his boring, but familiar surrounding, the very same one he sees everyday.

Not that he was checking if a certain someone was already here, okay. He just wanted to stop and smell the roses today... or in this case, the copy machine ink that always seemed to linger around. Ahem. Tomayto, Tomahto. Same thing.

Coast clear and nothing amiss. Erwin's disposition changed from that of a serious leader to that of a lax man releasing a sigh.

He reached his door and confidently stepped in.

...if only to subtly falter halfway.

His senses were assaulted by a sharp, sterile scent (Lysol?) and he found Levi in his office, dwarfed by sitting on his massive and comfortable and (not to mention) _expensive_ leather chair, sifting through his mail. Levi's blazer was draped on the back of the seat, leaving him in his white button-up and expensive black slacks. He can't say happening upon this scene was such a surprise anymore. Although the lack of his usual mess on his work desk is a matter of concern. Levi must've gotten into one of his cleaning sprees again. Which meant he put everything in sight away. Again.

Erwin liked to think there was a method to his messy, chaotic, unorganized madness, but against Levi, he just sighs and takes it in stride.

He's never been one to argue with his cleaning ladies, especially those of the vertically-challenged stature anyway.

"Ahem. Good morning, Levi."

Levi barely looked up, busy sorting junk mail and opening letters that weren't his. To his credit, he did move away from the chair and sat on the desk instead, legs crossed as always. Erwin took that as his permission to sit on the soft, comfy leather chair _._

"Took you damn long enough, Smith. Had a fun shit?"

"It was productive, thank you for asking." Erwin examined his desk. "And speaking of my 'shit,' where are my post-its?"

"Left drawer. I color-coordinated them too."

Upon further inspection, the post-its weren't the only ones. His documents and folders were also separated by size and color. Erwin resisted the urge to acquaint his forehead with his palm. In this instance, Levi's "cleaning" only served to shuffle his papers around - papers that he had already stacked (no matter how precauriosly over by that dingy corner) in his own perfectly semi-accessible preferences _thankyouverymuch._ Which means that he'll have to manually search - not to mention reorganize - his documents and would most likely get no actual work done for today. _Again._

_Godammit, Levi._

"...we need to get you some hobbies."

Levi finally looked up, halfway in opening another letter.

"Then who's gonna clean up after your shit, Smith?" he scoffs. "Yourself? Don't joke like that, I might actually shit myself in laughter next time."

Now, Erwin's familiar with Levi's unhealthy usage and references of fecal matter in his day-to-day conversations. But even he felt something was wrong.

"You've said 'shit' way too many time this morning. Levi, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Levi's eyes narrowed at him. "Are _you_ fucking okay?"

To be honest, Erwin had no idea how to respond to that.

But he was the Oh Fearless Leader, so he misdirected the topic instead.

"You seem jittery."

It was at this point that Erwin subtly leaned away from the semi-manic look that crossed his Right Hand's face.

"I found him. I found the little shit."

Erwin could only think of one thing from their conversation with Dawk last week.

"...'Angry Eyes?'"

Levi rolled his eyes. "From the physical description that I reported, _that_ is what you remembered the most?"

Erwin shrugged. It was still too early in the morning for this.

"Anyway," Levi continued. "I need to take the day off. Dawk called me last night. The Police checked the video footage of the subway and found a match. It seems I'll be visiting my dear estranged cousin today, too."

Erwin looked up from attempting to do paperwork simultaneously as he listens. "Her?"

Levi motioned his hand and Erwin handed him his blazer. "Yes. Although I'd prefer it if no unnecessary contact happens, it seems that she's currently friends with the shitty brat. And here, look at this." From the confines of the jacket, Levi brought out a copy of a mug shot and arrest records. "For public intoxication and assault. The Police can't divulge any more personal information that that, but hey, the Brat's already got a police record. Not too shabby. Pretty sure he'll mind if I casually mention that I can report him for theft."

Erwin raised an eyebrow. "That's blackmail."

Levi arched his own. "Your point?" He then inclined his head towards the door, a silent question to leave.

"Well then. I don't want to know anymore about your less-than-legal methods. Just get him." Erwin casually leaned back on his seat and chin-nodded at his entryway, dismissing Levi.

"I'll be back later. And get that restroom fixed, will you. Bunch of animals..."

Erwin looked at his desk. His subordinate had left him the arrest records. He picked up a document and found a face staring back - an angry teenager's face glaring at him with a frown. 

>   
>  [ ](http://s90.photobucket.com/user/erisina/media/photo-3_3_2_2_zpsf3d78340.jpg.html)
> 
> _Case Number 81A3827_
> 
> _Name: Eren Yeager_
> 
> _Assault and Public Intoxication_
> 
> _Trost District Police_

Poor boy stole from the wrong man. Kid won't know what hit him _._

Erwin could only sigh.

Knowing Levi, he might actually _hit_ the shitty brat. 

* * *

"So you're 18?"

"Yeah, why?" The brat cocked an eyebrow in question.

_FUCKING YES. HE'S LEGAL._

"Just checking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's now on Levi's gaydar. I mean, radar.  
> On other news, Yes, this author is quite indeed the scum of the earth for not updating for so long... Sorry. Oh and if anyone's wondering, the last four lines of this is a preview for next chapter. Yes, they meet. (;  
> EDIT: Added a picture that I drew for my own and your reference (:

**Author's Note:**

> First contribution to the SnK fandom. Yes-my Punk!Eren has his long Titan hair and multiple ear/tongue piercings. I took Levi's Scouting Legion skills and made them into Model Scouting skills. 
> 
> More than likely contains a ton of grammar mistakes. That's what I get for having English as a second language...
> 
> Have thoughts, comments, concerns, worries? Send them as either reviews or PMs!
> 
> I'm also at tumblr under the same name, Haruhasu, so you can reach me there too!


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